While every state in the Union is way better than France, each of them have their upsides and downsides. We at the Babylon Bee have collected for you the biggest pros and cons of all living in all fifty of these United States:
Pro: Unlikely to be a target in a nuclear attack.
Con: Your sister’s looking at you all romantic like again.
Pro: Beautiful nature and solitude.
Con: Everything in the beautiful nature and solitude is trying to kill you.
Pro: It’s a dry heat.
Con: The dry heat is 379 degrees Fahrenheit.
Pro: Birthplace of Wal-Mart, also known as “Not Target”
Con: Bill & Hillary Clinton started burying their enemies there.
Pro: Great weather, mountains, deserts, beaches and you can steal anything you want up to $950 and nobody will stop you.
Con: There’s no electricity and you aren’t allowed to use gas, so you just have to sit at home in the dark. Also, that hair gel guy.
Pro: The Rockies (mountain range).
Con: The Rockies (baseball team).
Pro: Was the headquarters for ESPN back when people like Stuart Scott worked there.
Con: Still the headquarters for ESPN.
Pro: Unending supply of classified documents.
Con: If you go to the beach, may have to see Joe Biden shirtless.
Pro: Ron DeSantis.
Con: Donald Trump.
(This list item paid for by Ron DeSantis for President 2024)
Pro: Chick-fil-A Capital of the World
Con: Everywhere you look, there’s Stacey Abrams. Almost like Lizzo.
Pro: Tropical island paradise.
Con: Angels apparently guard entry with a flaming sword.
Pro: Incredible fly fishing.
Con: Brian Stelter could turn up at any minute.
Pro: You can eat one slice of pizza and be full for a week.
Con: You have to wear body armor and run from mobs a lot. Also, you can’t say “mobs”.
Pro: Hoosiers is literally the best sports movie in existence.
Con: It’s impossible not to think of that annoying song “Gary, Indiana” every time you drive through Gary, Indiana.
Pro: Tons of beer.
Con: You’re going to need it to survive primary season.
Pro: Twister is a great movie.
Con: Bill Paxton can’t actually save you.
Pro: Home of the Ark Encounter
Con: No one can pronounce Louisville, but everyone will fight about it.
Pro: Incredible food and architecture.
Con: Everyone has diabetes by age 12.
Con: Jerry is allergic to shellfish. Sad!
Pro: CRAB CAKES AND FOOTBALL!
Con: Jerry is still allergic to shellfish and Maryland sucks at football.
Pro: It’s the home of the Patriots.
Con: It’s also home to everyone else from Massachusetts.
Con: Robocop was sent to prison for killing someone who was resisting arrest.
Pro: Invented by Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Con: All police have been replaced with a giant suggestion box down at City Hall.
Pro: You can say things like, “Ah, the mighty Mississippi!” without any irony.
Con: Kind of a gross, muddy river.
Pro: Lost cost of living, lots of land, great real estate prices.
Con: You live in Missouri.
Pro: There’s nothing but wide-open land.
Con: No, seriously, there’s nothing but wide-open land.
Pro: Vast corn fields with occasional friendly people amongst the corn.
Con: Entire identity still built around being good at football thirty years ago.
Pro: You can strike it rich in the casino.
Con: You won’t.
Pro: Their motto is live free or die. Based.
Con: Lots of libertarians have moved there. Not much deodorant.
Pro: They have really good pizza.
Con: Everyone talks like they are in an episode of “The Sopranos”
Pro: It’s not Old Mexico.
Con: Recently became ‘Just Out Of Warranty’ Mexico.
Pro: Low crime thanks to the efforts of your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
Con: Spider-Man is a fiction. You were mugged while reading this.
Pro: Plentiful Cook-Out locations
Con: Is actually a southern state with an identity crisis.
Pro: Funny accents like in the movie Fargo.
Con: If you forget to close a window you freeze to death.
Pro: It’s not Michigan.
Con: It’s Ohio.
Pro: it’s the name of a great musical
Con: The flattest place in the world. Also, several times a year a massive tornado will threaten to murder you.
Pro: Very green and beautiful sample of the Pacific Northwest.
Con: You never know when the hippies will set up an autonomous zone in your neighborhood.
Pro: You can live in an uppity city or in the backwoods country with the Amish.
Con: PennDOT #iykyk
(note: we have no clue what this means, but our Bee writer from Pennsylvania said locals will find this hilarious. If you locals don’t like it, please let us know and he will be sacked).
Pro: Everything is close together
Con: Not an actual Island. False advertising!
Pro: Amazing food, golf, and beaches. Surprisingly cool pirate history.
Con: Alligators will maul you if you don’t stay very, very still.
Pro: Mount Rushmore.
Con: They still won’t let you put Trump’s face on Mount Rushmore.
Pro: Incredible music scene, birthplace of Davy Crockett.
Con: Nashville country music is an absolute dumpster fire right now, and Davy Crockett left for Texas.
Con: Austin still won’t leave
Pro: Everyone’s really, really friendly.
Con: All the wives are taken
Pro: Maple syrup
Con: Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Pro: Long history of political philosophy and secession.
Con: You’re getting a bit too close to those rich men north of Richmond.
Pro: It’s not Washington, D.C.
Con: It’s still full of crazy liberals.
Pro: The mountains are gorgeous.
Con: You have to spend your entire life inside the mountain getting coal.
Pro: They make incredible beer and cheese
Con: Future Hall-Of-Fame quarterback just left the Packers for the Jets. The JETS.
Pro: Very remote and secretive.
Con: It may not exist. Have you ever met anyone from there?
That’s a wrap — let us know any we missed!