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The Biggest Pros And Cons Of Living In Each State

While every state in the Union is way better than France, each of them have their upsides and downsides. We at the Babylon Bee have collected for you the biggest pros and cons of all living in all fifty of these United States:

Alabama

Pro: Unlikely to be a target in a nuclear attack.

Con: Your sister’s looking at you all romantic like again.

Alaska

Pro: Beautiful nature and solitude.

Con: Everything in the beautiful nature and solitude is trying to kill you.

Arizona

Pro: It’s a dry heat.

Con: The dry heat is 379 degrees Fahrenheit.

Arkansas

Pro: Birthplace of Wal-Mart, also known as “Not Target”

Con: Bill & Hillary Clinton started burying their enemies there.

California

Pro: Great weather, mountains, deserts, beaches and you can steal anything you want up to $950 and nobody will stop you.

Con: There’s no electricity and you aren’t allowed to use gas, so you just have to sit at home in the dark. Also, that hair gel guy.

Colorado

Pro: The Rockies (mountain range).

Con: The Rockies (baseball team).

Connecticut

Pro: Was the headquarters for ESPN back when people like Stuart Scott worked there.

Con: Still the headquarters for ESPN.

Delaware

Pro: Unending supply of classified documents.

Con: If you go to the beach, may have to see Joe Biden shirtless.

Florida

Pro: Ron DeSantis.

Con: Donald Trump.

(This list item paid for by Ron DeSantis for President 2024)

Georgia

Pro: Chick-fil-A Capital of the World

Con: Everywhere you look, there’s Stacey Abrams. Almost like Lizzo.

Hawaii

Pro: Tropical island paradise.

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Con: Angels apparently guard entry with a flaming sword.

Idaho

Pro: Incredible fly fishing.

Con: Brian Stelter could turn up at any minute.

Illinois

Pro: You can eat one slice of pizza and be full for a week.

Con: You have to wear body armor and run from mobs a lot. Also, you can’t say “mobs”.

Indiana

Pro: Hoosiers is literally the best sports movie in existence.

Con: It’s impossible not to think of that annoying song “Gary, Indiana” every time you drive through Gary, Indiana.

Iowa

Pro: Tons of beer.

Con: You’re going to need it to survive primary season.

Kansas

Pro: Twister is a great movie.

Con: Bill Paxton can’t actually save you.

Kentucky

Pro: Home of the Ark Encounter

Con: No one can pronounce Louisville, but everyone will fight about it.

Louisiana

Pro: Incredible food and architecture.

Con: Everyone has diabetes by age 12.

Maine

Pro: Lobsters!

Con: Jerry is allergic to shellfish. Sad!

Maryland

Pro: CRAB CAKES AND FOOTBALL!

Con: Jerry is still allergic to shellfish and Maryland sucks at football.

Massachusetts

Pro: It’s the home of the Patriots.

Con: It’s also home to everyone else from Massachusetts.

Michigan

Pro: Robocop.

Con: Robocop was sent to prison for killing someone who was resisting arrest.

Minnesota

Pro: Invented by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Con: All police have been replaced with a giant suggestion box down at City Hall.

Mississippi

Pro: You can say things like, “Ah, the mighty Mississippi!” without any irony.

Con: Kind of a gross, muddy river.

Missouri

Pro: Lost cost of living, lots of land, great real estate prices.

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Con: You live in Missouri.

Montana

Pro: There’s nothing but wide-open land.

Con: No, seriously, there’s nothing but wide-open land.

Nebraska

Pro: Vast corn fields with occasional friendly people amongst the corn.

Con: Entire identity still built around being good at football thirty years ago.

Nevada

Pro: You can strike it rich in the casino.

Con: You won’t.

New Hampshire

Pro: Their motto is live free or die. Based.

Con: Lots of libertarians have moved there. Not much deodorant.

New Jersey

Pro: They have really good pizza.

Con: Everyone talks like they are in an episode of “The Sopranos”

New Mexico

Pro: It’s not Old Mexico.

Con: Recently became ‘Just Out Of Warranty’ Mexico.

New York

Pro: Low crime thanks to the efforts of your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Con: Spider-Man is a fiction. You were mugged while reading this.

North Carolina

Pro: Plentiful Cook-Out locations

Con: Is actually a southern state with an identity crisis.

North Dakota

Pro: Funny accents like in the movie Fargo.

Con: If you forget to close a window you freeze to death.

Ohio

Pro: It’s not Michigan.

Con: It’s Ohio.

Oklahoma

Pro: it’s the name of a great musical

Con: The flattest place in the world. Also, several times a year a massive tornado will threaten to murder you.

Oregon

Pro: Very green and beautiful sample of the Pacific Northwest.

Con: You never know when the hippies will set up an autonomous zone in your neighborhood.

Pennsylvania

Pro: You can live in an uppity city or in the backwoods country with the Amish.

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Con: PennDOT #iykyk

(note: we have no clue what this means, but our Bee writer from Pennsylvania said locals will find this hilarious. If you locals don’t like it, please let us know and he will be sacked).

Rhode Island

Pro: Everything is close together

Con: Not an actual Island. False advertising!

South Carolina

Pro: Amazing food, golf, and beaches. Surprisingly cool pirate history.

Con: Alligators will maul you if you don’t stay very, very still.

South Dakota

Pro: Mount Rushmore.

Con: They still won’t let you put Trump’s face on Mount Rushmore.

Tennessee

Pro: Incredible music scene, birthplace of Davy Crockett.

Con: Nashville country music is an absolute dumpster fire right now, and Davy Crockett left for Texas.

Texas

Pro: BUC-EE’S

Con: Austin still won’t leave

Utah

Pro: Everyone’s really, really friendly.

Con: All the wives are taken

Vermont

Pro: Maple syrup

Con: Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Virginia

Pro: Long history of political philosophy and secession.

Con: You’re getting a bit too close to those rich men north of Richmond.

Washington

Pro: It’s not Washington, D.C.

Con: It’s still full of crazy liberals.

West Virginia

Pro: The mountains are gorgeous.

Con: You have to spend your entire life inside the mountain getting coal.

Wisconsin

Pro: They make incredible beer and cheese

Con: Future Hall-Of-Fame quarterback just left the Packers for the Jets. The JETS.

Wyoming

Pro: Very remote and secretive.

Con: It may not exist. Have you ever met anyone from there?

That’s a wrap — let us know any we missed!

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