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Mitch McConnell or Clone?

Encircled by a throng of lawmakers, venerable Republican Senator Mitch McConnell suddenly and inexplicably froze and fell silent for a minute during opening remarks at the weekly Senate Republican press conference on Wednesday. After the event, medical pundits quickly ascribed McConnell’s taciturn minute to a stroke or other significant neurological crisis; however, a Deep State cloning scientist in military custody believes McConnell experienced a “cloning glitch” common among clones approaching their 3-year expiration date.

As reported in January, White Hats apprehended a still unnamed geneticist who had previously worked at a hidden cloning lab in the Missouri Ozarks. The 50-year-old German-born mad scientist repented his ethical misconduct and agreed to help White Hats identify clones within the political elite, though he denied knowing the whereabouts of other cloning labs on American soil, blaming his ignorance on Deep State compartmentalization. He has been held under “isolated supervision” at Womack Army Medical Center, Fort Bragg, where White Hats had examined and dissected clones recovered from labs in Missouri and Alaska.

Clones of McConnell were found at the Alaska laboratory.

Having watched McConnell spaz on television, Womack staff solicited the geneticist’s professional opinion on whether the McConnell on the screen was the real deal or a clone. He couldn’t definitively declare it a clone but said that McConnell’s sudden bout of catatonic behavior was an unsolved symptom of clones nearing the end of their existence, the consequences of hasty science and imperfect cloning techniques.

According to him, clones exist only three years from the date of maturation and are picked up or recalled, dissolved in acid, and replaced before displaying signs of decay. Indicators of deterioration include synaptic and cardiovascular failure. Less common, observable side effects include skin lesions akin to eczema, boils that break and ooze puss, and gigantism in one or more extremities. In rare cases, a clone near termination may become violently psychotic.

These defects, the geneticist said, occur over the last few days of a clone’s existence, if at all.

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“These automatons, and I don’t know what else to call them because I don’t believe they have a soul, I don’t believe they are born of God, have a microchip with recall instructions embedded in their brains. [name omitted] says the Deep State can trigger the chip to recall the clone. They can also short the chip, which destroys the clone,” our source at Womack said.

When neurologists at Womack performed craniotomies on recovered clones, they found scorched microchips about half the diameter of a baby aspirin. The geneticist claims the implantation is performed by a robotic surgeon like those developed by Elon Musk’s Neuralink company.

“So, we can’t say for sure the McConnell we saw yesterday, the world saw yesterday, is a clone, but he sure acted like one. The only way to be certain is to capture him, get a look at his teeth, feet, and genitals, and take a bone saw to his head,” our source said.

“I would tend to think that Mitch McConnell in Congress is a clone, since we know clones of him have been made,” the geneticist reportedly said.

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