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JAG Arrests Former Fauci Advisor David Morens

U.S. Navy JAG investigators on Saturday arrested former Fauci advisor Dr. David Morens on treason charges. The arrest comes days after the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability raked the COVID-19 conspirator over the coals for using his personal email account to evade Freedom of Information Act requests. Morens also deleted countless emails pertaining to the origin of COVID-19.

Regardless of how the committee interpreted Morens’ deposition, JAG construed his words as an admission of guilt and, therefore, authored an indictment and a warrant for his arrest, as there is no statute of limitations on treason.

JAG investigators, our source said, arrived in Bethesda, Maryland, Friday afternoon and began discreetly staking out Morens’ home. They noticed that he appeared particularly paranoid. When the mailman showed up at his door Saturday morning, Morens interrogated him over why he was late and said he suspected that someone had been burgling mail from his box, even insinuating the postman was the culprit. The carrier looked at Morens like he was batshit crazy and told him to file a complaint with the postmaster general. Afterward, he cowered indoors and regularly peeled back the curtains to sneak a glance outside, as if expecting trouble.

JAG, however, sees no connection between Morens’ squeamishness and its investigators who surveilled the property.

“Our guys were inconspicuous. Morens was probably fearful of someone else who had his number. No idea who that might be, but we made sure we bagged him first,” our source said.

As JAG’s intelligence suggested Morens was a timid weakling and most likely unarmed, the investigators tried a direct approach—donning plainclothes and politely demanding he surrender. But when they knocked, Morens shouted from behind the door that he had a particularly virulent case of COVID-19 and was self-quarantining to mitigate the risk of infecting others. One investigator responded by asking Morens why, if he indeed had COVID-19, he testified in D.C. two days earlier.

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“Go away. I just caught it,” Morens shouted.

“Hard way or the easy way, Morens,” an investigator called out,” because, in precisely 30 seconds, we’re breaking down that door and bringing you with us, conscious or not.”

“What’s the easy way?” Morens said.

“That is the easy way,” the investigator replied, blowing apart the deadbolt with a couple of breaching rounds.

Morens stood quaking in the foyer, one hand clutching a cell phone into which he hollered, “Help! They’re here for me. I need help now.”

An investigator snatched the phone from his grasp and spoke into the microphone: “Whoever you are, we got him, and we’ll have you soon enough.”

Our source said Morens has been brought to a JAG processing center pending an imminent trip to GITMO.

“This was an easy one for us—not much work. Morens self-snitched his way to a military tribunal. Fauci’s been long gone, but his legacy and minions live on. There are others out there still,” our source said.

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