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Mayorkas Testifies Before Congress That He Is Not Bald

The U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was summoned to Capitol Hill today to give testimony before a congressional committee that he is not, in fact, bald. Mayorkas stood by his previous claims that he is not bald even after photographic and video evidence otherwise was made public.

“There is simply no truth to the rumors that I am bald,” Mayorkas said as the lights of the room where the hearing was being held reflected brightly off his smooth scalp. “My thick, full head of hair that you can clearly see right here before you is proof that I’m being honest with you and the American people.”

Republican members of the committee expressed exasperation that Mayorkas continued to deny his baldness despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. “What do you mean you’re not bald?!” shouted Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan. “We can see you! We’re sitting here right now staring at your weird-looking cueball head! People don’t get any more bald than that! I’m sure the next thing you’re going to try to tell me is that the border is secure. This is outrageous!”

Though media reports and witness testimony seemed to corroborate allegations of Mayorkas’s baldness, the Secretary maintained his forthrightness. “People saying I’m bald are simply trying to mislead the public,” he said. “I’m dealing in facts here, not fringe conspiracies.”

At publishing time, Jordan and the other members of the committee were scheduling additional hearings to give impassioned speeches and publicly scold Mayorkas for his refusal to admit his baldness.

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