NEWS

FBI Seizes Jaiden’s Backpack In Predawn Raid

A quiet community was thrown into chaos in the early hours of Wednesday morning, as a tactical team from the Federal Bureau of Investigation staged a pre-dawn raid at the home of 6th-grader Jaiden Rodriguez. Reports indicated the boy’s backpack, which has a Gadsden flag patch, was seized in the raid.

“We have secured a highly dangerous item,” said FBI spokesperson Chad Rookstool. “There was an anonymous tip from a concerned citizen in the area who reported a young man at this residence was in possession of a backpack that posed a threat to democracy itself. That threat has now been neutralized.”

Controversy erupted on social media yesterday after it was learned Jaiden had been sent home from school for wearing his backpack, with faculty believing the Gadsden flag was a sign of Jaiden plotting a coup to overthrow the U.S. government. “Thank God it’s been addressed by the authorities,” said frightened schoolteacher Stephanie Dean. “That backpack was just out in public, threatening the lives of everyone who saw it. Democracy is once again safe.”

School officials advised Jaiden to find a new, less-threatening backpack before returning to school. “He can choose from Pride patches, BLM patches, even a sickle and hammer patch,” a member of the school’s administrative staff explained. “However, a backpack displaying an important image from American history has no business at an American school.”

At publishing time, Jaiden was reportedly prepared to return to class with his new, bright red “Make America Great Again” backpack.

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