The United States Secret Service concluded its investigation into the theft of hamburgers owned by notable clowned man Ronald McDonald after a full-scale search turned up no sign of the missing burger sack or a viable suspect. The Hamburglar was reportedly not questioned to avoid the appearance of profiling or discrimination.
“We looked all afternoon,” said Special Agent Eduardo Grimace, who spearheaded a joint task force with the assistance of Officer Big Mac. “Yes, I saw Hamburglar near the scene of the crime — and yes, he has a history of fast food larceny, but what am I supposed to do — question him? That’d be outrageous.”
“We may never know who stole McDonald’s hamburgers.”
The agency denied further rumors that the Hamburglar was caught on CCTV stealing the burgers, placing them into a large burlap sack, and running off while giggling. “I’ve seen the tape,” said Officer Big Mac. “It’s a classic QAnon Russian deepfake.”
Mayor McCheese was happy to see the case closed, having previously feared the Hamburglar would be subject to undue suspicion. “Hamburglar doesn’t deserve all this attention,” said the mayor. “He’s the most honorable, decent person I know.”
At publishing time, pictures of Hamburglar taking selfies with McDonald’s burgers were leaked to the Internet. “Obviously it was the Hamburglar, you guys!” said Ronald McDonald, cursing the heavens.
